Understand and Build Emotional Intimacy
Do you want to be more open in your relationship? Or do you want to have a deeper connection with your partner?
One thing that can help deepen your connection is increasing your own openness, especially if you already feel safe being yourself with this person. In this way, you focus less on managing your partner and more on being and sharing yourself.
Emotional intimacy is something that we either overthink, avoid, or try to pull out of others. So let’s break down what emotional intimacy is, what blocks it, and how to build it in relationships that have earned it.
What is Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship?
Being open is letting someone else know you. Emotional intimacy is when you voluntarily share your thoughts and feelings with someone who in return conveys that they hear, see, and respect you.
It’s the mutual sharing and respectful responding that builds emotional intimacy between two people. In this way, you are both communicating that I love being myself around you and I love it when you are yourself too. (That is, as long as you are both taking responsibility for yourself!)
Without reciprocation, you can be open and vulnerable with someone, but if they don’t respond with understanding or respect then that’s not building intimacy. That’s you being open with them. There’s never a guarantee that the other person will reciprocate or respond in the way you’d like them to. So being open, with whom, and how much is always a choice.
What Blocks Emotional Intimacy?
Many people are not aware that they are blocking or getting in the way of the very thing they want more of - closeness with their partner. To help increase your awareness, learn to identify what behaviors are blocking emotional closeness and intimacy.
The following behaviors contribute to more emotional distance and avoidance in relationships:
Complaining or sharing your feelings as an attempt to get others to change
Demanding sex or trying to convince your partner to meet all your needs
Blaming your partner for your behavior
Giving unsolicited advice or diagnosing your partner
Criticizing or judging your partner
Putting pressure on your partner to talk right now
Threatening to never talk to them again if they don’t do what you want
Explosive or unpredictable behavior
Turning to work, hobbies, substances, kids, or affairs to avoid conflict with your partner
Pretending to agree but doing what you want behind your partner’s back
Being physically present but tuning your partner out
Giving up your own goals & needs to be overly available to others
Do you see yourself or your partner in any of these behaviors that block emotional intimacy? Don’t get overwhelmed if it’s more than one behavior, but do write down what you are learning.
And know that all relationships experience some emotional and physical distance. The goal isn’t to be 100% close, all the time, and share every thought and feeling you have. The goal is to share more of yourself over time in relationships that have earned it.
What Encourages Emotional Intimacy in Relationships?
So how do you know if the relationship has earned it? If you are with a partner who is emotionally available to themselves and others, then you probably feel safe to share and be yourself.
Here are some signs that you or your partner are emotionally available:
Take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors
Can listen to different perspectives without judgment and criticism
Committed to fostering your own awareness and growth
Recognize and self-soothe your own emotions
Can witness others’ emotions without trying to fix or correct them
Apologize sincerely for your behavior or missteps
Do what you say you are going to do
Contribute to conversations with curiosity and mutual respect
Each of these signs contributes to building trust, positive regard, and consistency in a relationship. So when you have these foundations, you can begin building emotional intimacy over time.
5 Skills Needed to Build Emotional Intimacy
Remember emotional intimacy isn’t having strong feelings for someone, it’s getting calm enough to keep learning about each other. It may feel counter-intuitive to start with yourself when you desire more closeness in a relationship. But once you’ve determined whether the relationship has earned more openness from you, then the way to feel closer is to let yourself be known and get to know the other.
So here are the 5 skills needed to build emotional intimacy in your relationship:
Know Yourself: In order to be more open and share yourself with others, you must first know yourself so you know what to share.
Value Yourself: Recognize that your value is innate and not defined by others’ attention, approval, or opinions of you. (Learn more about building self-worth here.)
Soothe Yourself: Attempt to soothe yourself first before you share in a relationship. If you are highly triggered or upset, it may be hard to express yourself without accidentally using your upsetness to get what you want. (Learn 4 steps to soothe yourself when triggered.)
Share Yourself: Share your thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, and fears without pressuring the other person to agree with you. Own what you share and you are respecting that it’s ok for your partner to be and think for themselves too.
Be Curious: Take turns sharing, so that you are listening as much as you share. Be curious about your partner instead of assuming you already know their answer.
As you read through these, which of these do you feel called to focus on growing within yourself? (Take a moment to write that down too.)
Examples of Emotional Intimacy
So if you feel like your partner is emotionally available and you are ready to be more open, here are some examples of what emotional intimacy can look like in communication between two people.
In a new relationship - “I’m so excited about the new job I start tomorrow.” or “I’m really looking forward to the concert this weekend.”
In a long-term relationship - “I’m having a hard time being open with you lately.” or “I really love it when you xyz.”
In a strained relationship - “I can’t emotionally support you when you aren’t fully owning the problem.” or “I have a hard time trusting that you will manage your reactions.”
In response to someone sharing a challenging situation - “That sounds really hard” or “How can I best support you?”
In response to someone sharing a win - “I see you showing up as yourself more and more.” or “I’m so excited for you.”
I’m hoping these help you recognize ways you may already be contributing to emotional intimacy. If you have room to grow, then let these inspire you to focus on where you are ready and willing to grow.
Overall, I hope this article is helping you boost your understanding of what emotional intimacy is and what, if any, steps you need to take to be more open or approachable in your relationships.
I’d love to hear your perspective. How do you define emotional intimacy? Or how has your understanding changed by reading this article?
Marci Payne, MA, LPC
Holistic Therapist in Kansas City, MO
I help adults recover from burnout, people-pleasing & toxic relationships. And I especially love helping women navigate challenging relationships by reconnecting with themselves first. You can learn about individual therapy with Marci here.