3 Questions to Help People Pleasers Find Their True Yes
Determining if people-pleasing is a problem for you is the easy part. But when it comes to stopping yourself from being overly pleasing and agreeable, you often feel lost. You try to will yourself to react differently, so you can choose yourself this time. But guilt or shame keeps you stuck.
You replay situations and possible responses in your head. But the need to feel control, peace, and harmony is so strong, that you go back to pleasing, caretaking, or agreeing. This helps at the moment, but over time you are feeling more and more resentful and worn out.
So how do you stop abandoning yourself and shift the pattern of people-pleasing? First, get really clear about how people-pleasing shows up for you. (Learn more about the Signs & Consequences of People-Pleasing here.) Then, practice slowing down and pausing, so you have space to consider your own needs before responding.
In the space, you create for yourself, identify your intentions and feelings behind your people-pleasing actions. In doing so, you will illuminate both what’s keeping you stuck and what you need. To help your reflection process, I am going to share some questions I use with both my clients and myself.
Before You Say Yes, Ask Yourself These Questions
When your inner people-pleaser is triggered, pause and reflect on one or all of these questions:
Start each question with: “If I do the same thing I always do in this situation (please, agree, caretake, micro-manage, etc.)..”
Question #1 (Mindful Intention): Will I be staying true to promises I’ve made to myself or will I be reacting to (internal or external) pressure I feel?
Question #2 (Heart Awareness): Am I responding from love and kindness or reacting from fear and guilt?
Question #3 (Body Knowing): How does my body feel when I do what I always do vs. how I want to respond?
These self-reflection questions help you access your own inner wisdom. The place inside of you that knows the truth and what’s best for you. Since our inner wisdom speaks to us in different ways, I’m offering several different questions to help you tap into your truth. You can use all of them or just one of them.
Example of Using These Questions Before Responding
I shared last month that I have been feeling called to shift out of the “manager” role in my family. (Learn the 4 types of people-pleasing here). Well, I always say be careful what you call in because you will start seeing more opportunities to work through it!
Recently, one of my teens was feeling frustrated about something that had nothing to do with me. And I felt the urge to try to make it all better, even though it wasn’t something I could solve for him. I could tell he was trying to communicate what he needed, but it was coming across as demanding and telling me what to do. (I don’t do well with others telling me what to do!)
It was late and time for bed, so it wasn’t the best time of day for me to hear complaints and explore possible solutions. I also really needed some space to calm down, so I could better hear his concerns.
When I woke up the next morning, I went through these reflection questions before I got out of bed. I knew if I jumped in to try to solve the problem for him, my body would get tense and wound up. And I would be doing it from a place of feeling pressured and going against a promise I had made to myself.
After reflecting on the possible costs, I had the clarity that I needed to respond instead of letting my “manager” react quickly. I also realized that when I absorb his frustration, I usually amp up the situation further. When I tap into my inner wisdom first and choose how I want to respond, I am able to share the problem-solver role, only take on my part, and also ask for what I need.
How Less People-Pleasing Can Open Up More Connection
After some initial resistance from my teen (who’s used to me taking care of every complaint), we were both better off knowing we were doing our part. The situation actually became an opportunity for connection. When I returned to my calm presence, I could hear his concerns, even more, when I wasn’t taking it all on (and he wasn’t demanding I take it all on).
People-pleasers, empaths, and sensitivities tend to absorb others' emotions, problems, and negative energies, especially if we aren’t aware this is happening. As I’ve learned to slow down and observe this tendency within me, more and more I have a choice on whether I want to absorb others' experiences, both practically and emotionally.
All this to say, use these questions to help you slow down before you respond. And over time, you too can notice opportunities to shift patterns that are no longer working for you.
And if you get stuck, reach out for support, that’s what I’m here for!
Marci Payne, MA, LPC
Self-Love Mentor for People-Pleasers
Learn how to stop saying Yes to everything but yourself with the Prioritize Yourself course! (A self-paced course to help you practice self-care and set boundaries.)